Pain is not funny, I can't think!

So many things go on in the world that are terrifying, unimaginable, or maybe that last part is wrong. I can imagine a lot of horrible things happening to me. Unspeakable things. I do. When I drive I sometimes imagine a collision. It's the one I can't avoid. The end. I suck in my breath every time. In fact any time I imagine something bad happening to me physically I suck in my breath and shake my head no. I've observed this over the years. I can't ever separate the experiences. Meaning, I always suck in my breath and shake my head no.

My kidneys hurt like hell right now. I wish shaking my head no would make that shit stop. Am I processing the Versed and other anesthesia still? My kidneys are pissed! I am so uncomfortable sitting, but I need to write for a bit. I never do anymore. I forget what seems to be everything. I can't remember things but I still argue that I remember things. Too much Candy Crush in the down minutes. Instead what I could be doing is working with my Momento memory. It's that bad sometimes, I feel like I'm going crazy because I can't remember.

Today was one of those days I haven't had to see for awhile. Where things seem bleak. I had a rough, rough Fall and early Winter, but once I put some distance between me and it I could forget how bad it was. I even felt great lately. I literally felt zero discomfort and had energy. Now, with my shitty tumor markers, low energy and mounting pain... there's also waiting to see if I'm travelling for the month of March.. and waiting on word about my medication that I need which is taking too long to get. I'm falling without a chute right now.

At one point I was lying on my back gravity-forcing coffee into my large intestine, it was cramping like hell, my kidneys screaming, bone biopsy site throbbed, I thought to myself: What the FUCK.

I deal with way too much shit in a regular day. Who has to do this level of work just to try to stay alive? Most people just complain about being hungry and getting laid, or their job. I'm in pain in 8 places right now, this is not right.

My tumor markers took a huge jump. Why do I subject myself to that news every 28 days? Because I, dummy, keep thinking they are going to go down. They only go up. Like gas prices in Mexico. I now have leg cramps travelling down my legs. What am I supposed to do, I have things to do! I have a big doctors appointment tomorrow in LA and need to get paperwork together, map out the route, get my head on. I am not prepared. What am I going to ask? I don't know. I can't think.

I wish I were a child and a parent were doing all this work, taking care of business. Living alone and bearing under the weight of all of this constantly is too too much sometimes. I do believe that sometimes you can't take any more. I am not even that weak right now compared to where I've been. I couldn't feed myself, sleep or stand, or see well. How bad do I have to get before I just can't, anymore?

I was high on life a few days ago, looking good, feeling better. Today I may as well fashion a noose and call it a life. Such is the cancer roller coaster. I can't think. That's the worst part besides the pain.

I don't spill this level of complaining on people normally because then I would have zero people, they don't like this part. It makes them feel bad. Walk in my shoes. Imagine knowing this and knowing also that that is so selfish but that is how most people are. They don't want to catch "it".

.......I just got off the phone with the sweetest person. I met him over Instagram, because we share a mutual love - life. Oh, and he has cancer too, he does holistic, we are a minority. He had the best attitude, and is exactly what I needed to pull myself out of that ^^^. See how life works? I don't flame myself for the down days because I have battled deep depression for years and years. I know it comes and goes. When things are good you appreciate the shit out of it. I take nothing for granted. When it's bad, you weather the storm because experience tells you those feelings will pass even though at the time it seems impossible you will be happy again.

If there's something I have it's experience. I am experienced at surviving. Not just living, fucking surviving. When I think back to the life I have come through I am amazed but I am also nodding my head like "That's right, bitch. I am a badass". Then I flip my hair in your face and saunter away. Real slow. Like the boss that I am.