The T is silent

Im sitting here reading a little about skull metastasis. I have cancer in my skull. I can feel it right now, pulsing, it's painful. 

"It is difficult to say anything sensible when discussing prognosis, as clearly the degree of systemic disease, and the primary tumour and its response to therapy is going to have a huge impact. In general it is safe to say however that in most instances, skeletal metastases represent advanced disease with poor prognosis, typically measured in weeks and months." -- some bullshit website that is messing with my mind. Wait, excuse me, weeks and months? It's already been a year since this was found, so go fuck yourself  "weeks and months." Okay?

This is why I don't read about stats, I'm the outlier anyway, the atypical BC patient blah blah blah. I've already outlived the competition by a couple of years. Jk, it's not a contest, we are holding hands and skipping together through the tunnel of horror.

 My bp won't come down, I can't sleep, it's hot in here. I have acid reflux again. It seems that anytime I eat anything lately, I get this burning feeling in my throat. I can eat some cereal, that's mellow, right? Wrong. I get acid reflux. I feel like this could turn me off of food again. No, please, I can't do the 98 pound thing again, I just got my butt back.

This time last year I was getting ready to die, or so I thought. I was scared out of my mind. It's happening again. The high bp, the head pain, the dizziness, weakness-- but can that be, I've been swimming a lot lately, I'm not that weak, except lately in the pool I've been out of breath too. Like there is something pushing on my chest. Grabbing me by the throat.

Every day is the same as the day before. I can almost taste the pressure in my chest. There's a sense of something heavy that has a flavor, it's so weird. It makes no sense. It's there right now. If you've ever had anxiety attacks, or hypertension, I think this is a similar feeling. I was feeling scared last week but aware enough to not attach anything to it, I just observed it happening. I watched it happen, experienced it, and when it didn't go away I went to the ER... and they told me nothing. No surprise there. 

I never write much down anymore and because of that I can't remember my life very well. I want to know what my life was like when I was feeling better than I do now. Or, I can be grateful later for having dug myself out of it one more time, because I'll get past what is going on now. I will. 

I'm just afraid of them telling me I need radiation. I don't want brain radiation and there is no way to avoid that if your skull is getting blasted. I am not an experiment. I need something better, stronger, safer. I ordered more CBD oil, that is tumor suppressant. I am going back on the cannabis oil. It wasn't a horrible experience, I was pretty happy. I was high everyday until I got used to it. I know the CBD's are anti-inflammatories so they should help with the pain. Yay! I just yawned, it's 1 a.m. maybe tonight I can sleep before 3, Oh -----iwishiwishiwishiwishiwish. 

I've got to stop saying "I wish" This is about accepting whatever is and not thrashing against life. That is what makes one unhappy. Is there a law against not sleeping? Am I a bad dog if I don't sleep early and get up early? Some people try to make you think so, but it's not the case. I have wicked insomnia on top of already being a night owl.            
            Hoo hoo. 
            There is no T.

It's always the quiet ones

August 22 2015

The Fluffy One is next to me, warming my thigh with her impeccably clean, permanent onesy. Today wasn’t another scary, shitty day. Really great news. I continue to ride that high. I did cry in the pool momentarily, really sneaky and quick into the gutter on the far end. It's impossible to cry while swimming. I learned that back in grade school. Swim team; dominating my life throughout elementary.

I couldn’t even remember if yesterday was the ER day, or if that was the day before. It took fb to tell me which one. I can hardly ever remember what I did yesterday. Yesterday was uh, FRIday, I remember we used to emphasize the FRI part, because of LSD. That's probably what gave me cancer, that one time. Just kidding. That can’t be true, because then every hippie from the 60’s, and all of the Deadheads, would have cancer. 

I probably got it from baloney, or Christian bible study for that brief church fun we all had to endure when someone in my family became born again. Born Again. I don’t know .. I was born once in this lifetime, and I’m still working through the trauma. Once was enough. Thanks.

On the other hand, I would like to experience death more than once in this lifetime. That would be MUCH. That is a big, nice sleep, and what a vacation, and what a perfect way to help insulate from all of the bullshit. Life is harsh. We could all use a real break from it. Even on vacation most people don’t let go they are counting down the days, letting the outside seep in, to poison the moment. Don’t we do that in everyday living?

This is hell. Life on earth is Hell. If you don’t believe me, think about it, for like, 25 seconds. It’s got all the hallmarks of a hell. Go look at the bible again, or, just go look at it for the first time. I’m not saying all of life on earth is hell, but a lot of it is. Me, I’m getting my Hell out of the way first. You Are Here. You can all be surprised later, but this is how it is, this is how it’s meant to be. Why is everyone acting so surprised? Or let down? 

I don’t expect much, except beauty, that is always present. Everywhere I look I can see it, and humor, humor is the other constant. There are negative things too, like shadows that can step forward, eclipsing the good shit, but then they step back again. Life is always doing that so don’t get hung up on the right now, because it’s going to go away. Don’t expect to be stuck, don’t get attached to relief either, get rubbery, and listen to good music that touches you emotionally so you can stay connected. Spend time thinking, or maybe just shut up for a minute.

The way I feel about life, is excited. On the outside I think I can appear bored, or not very excited, or just like I’ve seen it all before. As a kid it took a lot to get me excited. I was very understated when most kids would have been doing cartwheels. I envied their enthusiasm. When I found out I had made Junior Olympics, I had said, “That’s great.” in a super quiet voice to my coach while my mom acted like the next contestant on The Price is Right. I felt like Lisa Bonet as a teenager, from that one show. Just all chill, but really, I was so excited. Animals see it. Anyone ever see me train, I have to try to calm down.

Enough about me, how about you? Are you living a real life? How bold are you on a daily basis on a scale of 1, to singing out loud in public while alone? How many of you eat out alone, or go to a movie alone, or just sit somewhere without being on your phone? 

I’m alone a lot. I don’t need anybody to entertain me, but on the daily it can get very lonely sometimes. I won't compromise by spending time with people who aren't living, and that pretty much leaves me at fucked in the town I live currently. I should start a support group, call it Margaritas at 6, Local Dive Bar. I'll do all the talking because I'm usually the person with the most observations. In this town. This town fucking sucks. I love the town, but for the people. Blue collar hell.

I can feel the mets. My head is throbbing in the same places it was last year, when I went down. I don’t understand, because. it. does. not. compute. From the outside it makes perfect sense, but from inside, this just can’t be. I’ve been in treatment, I’ve been doing inner work, I’m happy. You can’t get taken down by cancer when you’re happy. It cannot be. I wish that were true, it’s just not. You can be as happy as you want, have the best care, best family, best attitude, best friends, you still get struck down. 

I don’t take anything for granted. I am amazed at the life I have even though it’s not what I asked for, or dreamt of. I thought I wanted to have children and an insane animal career, but no, I am just alive, pretty much. I didn’t get to make my mark on the world. I am pretty poor by financial standards, and I have no legacy. I am kind of broken, but not in spirit. I feel more alive than most people appear to be, so that’s weird. 

To not experience an appreciation for life, actively, is a waste of the biggest gift you will ever possess. Be aware that you are alive, you are breathing, every moment is new and every day is a surprise, even though you write your life like it’s Groundhog Day. If you are just a boring person by nature, embrace it, the world needs boring people too. Just don’t complain your life away, that really gets on my nerves. People are allowed to complain for a minute, but then get over it. Someone always has it worse than you and they probably handle their shit 10 times better. Nobody likes a victim.

Be happy. You have a hidden talent. Everybody does. That’s the best; when you meet someone and they can do something, one surprising thing, really well. I love that about people, you just never know who anyone is until you take the time to find out. Sometimes I envy blind people, because they aren't influenced by what people look like. If everyone could learn again, to hear with their hearts, instead of just their eyes, this would be a more realistic world, instead of a world blinded by expectations and false idols. A beautiful mind, is what we need to be happy.