I need a job.
The problem with my line of work is it can be physically demanding (which I love except I wear myself out leaping and dancing between enclosures) I dig working outside, and being around wild animals makes my heart flutter. I feel the intense feelings of love one feels when one is in love. No exaggeration, no joke, this is a real thing. I love working with animals of the wild variety. There is nothing more fulfilling, thrilling, exciting, fun... I run myself into the ground doing it. Once I get going it's hard to reign in the energy. I don't cut corners. I always do my job as best I can, I will go out of my way to make sure nothing is undone, or neglected.
When I was working at Rancho and the girls had gone off to a conference, I had to take care of the animals alone. This would have been fine except for 4 things. One: I'm a trainer not just a keeper. I took on 9 cats to train, aside from the lynx, everyone got 2 sessions a day. The time spent shifting everyone, making the individual meatballs that day, training and keeping records was my normal job. Adding cleaning everyone's enclosures alone without someone to help shift added a lot of time to the day, plus enrichment aside from training-- browse to cut etc. Two: I had the llamas and the zebras to shift, clean and feed. Trying to not get kicked and bitten by the female zebra was a real threat that had to be carefully avoided. That could take a while. Zebras are sketchy. Three: I have stage IV cancer, I shouldn't be busting that big of a move, I should have put that much training off for the time being, just stuck to the basics. Four: the temps were in the triple digits.
I ended up with heat exhaustion from working 4 days in a row with temps ranging from 104-111. I worked 12-14 hour days. On the fourth day I couldn't feel my arms, my body was shivering from cold, my skin color was between yellow and gray, and when I drove home through intersections I wasn't sure if green meant go, or red did. I had to think about it, hard. That was a terrifying 25 mile drive. I had my sister take me to the hospital at 1 a.m. My blood pressure was through the roof. I was severely dehydrated and some other shit I don't remember.
The point is, I am afraid of my commitment to working. Doing what I love gets in the way of rational thinking. Anyone out there want to hire this monster? I think I learned my lesson this last time, but I feel a mild fear when thinking about this next job, wherever that may be. Maybe it's a healthy fear, because I lack boundaries. I'm in love with animals.
I need a job. I am tired of being poor from living off of the pittance I get from disability. Animals are my life. I was looking at job postings today through my school. I felt my heart thumping with excitement over the possibilities. The problem is that I haven't been training this whole time so there is a major gap in my resume. Who would hire a cancer girl? I know I can nail an interview no problem, it's getting the interview with the shitty resume I fax to them. It will go straight in the trash. Then there's the geographical issue. Lots of these places are far away and if they aren't very far away they are mildly distant. One hour drive. 45 minutes. There's always volunteering as SB zoo. Maybe I will just do that. The Eatm curse follows me there, there's that to deal with, but it's a nice AZA accredited zoo with plenty of money and good vets, so there's that.
I am trashed from treatment right now all I can do is nada. It's nice to dream about work. I hope to work again soon. It's food for my soul and money for my pocket. I'm feeling the depression that comes from detoxing. It's confusing to be sad and to cry when I have nothing to be sad about. I have to remind myself that it's the cancer dying that's making me feel bad. That is only a good thing not a bad thing. I went to bed at 6 last night and didn't get up until noon today. The power is out at the center so I got a day off, not that I need one. Maybe I need one. I don't know. I hope this works. I need some good news. I have been happy and upbeat but my cancer is still growing. It needs to be stopped. How can I be so happy when this is going on? I don't know. I guess I'm not that's why I'm complaining about it.
The brain is a funny glob of goop. I know I feel poorly because of treatment but my brain will start dragging in other shit to add to the mix. So I have to be depressed over not having a job too? I already have a job, albeit a shitty one that doesn't pay, but full time cancer treatment is a job. I get really over it on a regular basis, go out there, do some normal shit and then pay the piper for days afterwards. Let's just hope this current treatment is doing something because right now I am not feeling like Mary Poppins. Cheerio!
I was misdiagnosed at 30 years old being told I was too young for breast cancer. I now have stage IV cancer. I treat myself with alternative + western medicine. It's been an uphill battle all the way, but I have stopped to smell every rose and pet every dog I see. I've truly loved being alive.
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
Saturday, May 2, 2015
Accidental Garden
I tried to be a farmer. In my backyard. Joey built this lovely garden box for many yummy organic edible plants to grow providing my ego and mouth with successful, healthy vegetables, and vine fruits. Everything either died, got munched on by critters or attacked by aphids. It looked like a war zone out there. I suck at farming. I was really good at keeping plants alive in Summerland. My mother's hand-me-downs were happy as shit under my wing, but food, nah.
I planted too late, watered too much, stared too long, whispered too loudly. I killed them with kindness. I spoke to them quietly since I have neighbors who might already think I'm wacky for having 4 cats. 4 Cats who all know their individual names.
My garden that never was is a failed project, or so I thought.
I have been composting for a couple of years at least. In that compost goes anything veggie, and nothing else. Once the stuff turned into rich dirt, I'd spread it around. Oftentimes the dirt was sticky and smelly because it hadn't turned all the way, but mostly. I got super sunflowers out of those compost-lined pockets I grew them in. Huge. People stopping their cars to take pictures of my giant sunflowers, huge.
This year I have seen food plants springing up in random places in my front yard. I have 3 types of tomatoes growing, some squash, and one herb plant. Plus, sunflowers. My compost has seeds in it that survived. I couldn't plan a garden but I have an accidental one. How cool is that?
I see this as a metaphor for my life. Once you start taking steps to improve your life, it's pretty painful and disappointing. The steps are unsure, yet you know the direction is right. It's a fire walk. It's a gibbon, an arboreal ape, making every step look like a game of "don't touch the ground"(shoutout to Samantha trainers)
You try and fail but you don't ever give up. Sometimes you wonder if you are doing it right. Nobody else seems to be in your boat and you have no paddle, but you keep it up. There are invisible benefits that appear after you begin to try for something that feels impossible, or just very hard to attain. I've noticed that whenever I start the process of some new endeavor not knowing how I can possibly succeed, the windows start opening. But, I would not otherwise have had them open had I not started to lay the groundwork.
After chemo everything in my life changed. I was on fire to follow my heart. I had thrown out the idea of Eatm. No way could I do that. No way. But once I almost burned to death from the inside out I said fuck it, I'm going. I have no idea how I can pay for 2 whole years of rent and school all while not working a paid job, but I will do this. I applied, didn't get chosen the first year. The next year I reapplied and got in. Suddenly, out of the blue, some relatives announced they would be helping all of the kids pay back their school loans or pay for their education. That actually happened.
There were rules and I abided by all of them. I wrote up a proposal, listing my expenses and they provided the money. I had to keep a certain GPA and submit grades. To have that land in my lap - unreal. That is how life is though. You have to blindly follow your heart, and have trust. If you want something enough and do the work to get it, you will have unforeseen windows opening up. It's never not scary, uncertain or seemingly impossible. The people who succeed in life recognize these 3 roadblocks, but they pay the toll and pass on through. The more you do this the more easily it is to succeed because the feelings are always the same.
My accidental garden is latent fruition for my failed efforts. I might have sucked as a farmer, but I tried. That is the important thing. You have to try. Giving up before trying is so sad. I may not have food in my garden box but I have it in my front yard because I valued my food so much I saved it to give back to the earth. Then the earth gave it right back to me. The recipe is Effort+love. If you combine these two ingredients, you will be paid. It may take awhile but sometimes that is the lesson.
*I miss the days of Boogie. Black as midnight, so black he would be invisible at night if the moon weren't up yet, until he was just upon me.
He loved being outside at night.
He was the night.
Reflective, mysterious, poignant.
Ah, my Boogs, I miss you little dude.
I planted too late, watered too much, stared too long, whispered too loudly. I killed them with kindness. I spoke to them quietly since I have neighbors who might already think I'm wacky for having 4 cats. 4 Cats who all know their individual names.
My garden that never was is a failed project, or so I thought.
I have been composting for a couple of years at least. In that compost goes anything veggie, and nothing else. Once the stuff turned into rich dirt, I'd spread it around. Oftentimes the dirt was sticky and smelly because it hadn't turned all the way, but mostly. I got super sunflowers out of those compost-lined pockets I grew them in. Huge. People stopping their cars to take pictures of my giant sunflowers, huge.
This year I have seen food plants springing up in random places in my front yard. I have 3 types of tomatoes growing, some squash, and one herb plant. Plus, sunflowers. My compost has seeds in it that survived. I couldn't plan a garden but I have an accidental one. How cool is that?
I see this as a metaphor for my life. Once you start taking steps to improve your life, it's pretty painful and disappointing. The steps are unsure, yet you know the direction is right. It's a fire walk. It's a gibbon, an arboreal ape, making every step look like a game of "don't touch the ground"(shoutout to Samantha trainers)
You try and fail but you don't ever give up. Sometimes you wonder if you are doing it right. Nobody else seems to be in your boat and you have no paddle, but you keep it up. There are invisible benefits that appear after you begin to try for something that feels impossible, or just very hard to attain. I've noticed that whenever I start the process of some new endeavor not knowing how I can possibly succeed, the windows start opening. But, I would not otherwise have had them open had I not started to lay the groundwork.
After chemo everything in my life changed. I was on fire to follow my heart. I had thrown out the idea of Eatm. No way could I do that. No way. But once I almost burned to death from the inside out I said fuck it, I'm going. I have no idea how I can pay for 2 whole years of rent and school all while not working a paid job, but I will do this. I applied, didn't get chosen the first year. The next year I reapplied and got in. Suddenly, out of the blue, some relatives announced they would be helping all of the kids pay back their school loans or pay for their education. That actually happened.
There were rules and I abided by all of them. I wrote up a proposal, listing my expenses and they provided the money. I had to keep a certain GPA and submit grades. To have that land in my lap - unreal. That is how life is though. You have to blindly follow your heart, and have trust. If you want something enough and do the work to get it, you will have unforeseen windows opening up. It's never not scary, uncertain or seemingly impossible. The people who succeed in life recognize these 3 roadblocks, but they pay the toll and pass on through. The more you do this the more easily it is to succeed because the feelings are always the same.
My accidental garden is latent fruition for my failed efforts. I might have sucked as a farmer, but I tried. That is the important thing. You have to try. Giving up before trying is so sad. I may not have food in my garden box but I have it in my front yard because I valued my food so much I saved it to give back to the earth. Then the earth gave it right back to me. The recipe is Effort+love. If you combine these two ingredients, you will be paid. It may take awhile but sometimes that is the lesson.
*I miss the days of Boogie. Black as midnight, so black he would be invisible at night if the moon weren't up yet, until he was just upon me.
He loved being outside at night.
He was the night.
Reflective, mysterious, poignant.
Ah, my Boogs, I miss you little dude.
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