Swinging

When I was younger I used to think that everyone in the world was having a much better time than I probably was. I felt like I was missing out on some amazing experiences, it was at it's worst in the summer.

This summer is bringing up all of those old feelings. This is the 3rd summer I have spent with stage IV cancer. My life is damn boring most of the time unless I am holding a dance-off in my living room. That happens almost every day. I can't help it I live in the Hip Hop nation, What?! Maybe I am texting with a friend, or writing to someone in my cancer support group. I could be swinging in my new hammock :) Or, the usual cleaning and yard work. I have an, almost, altricial cat. He needs special food, special supplements prepared to be hidden, other supplements, bathing, insulin, bedding washed and crate cleaned 3 times a day, all of that actually gets done every single day plus weekly acupuncture appointments. I am a cat nurse. I am the Mother Teresa of animal care. I have two other cats, but they are mostly ignored. Poor things. I bet they wish they were sick too. No.. they get the one hour that's left over after the other things have been done.

In addition to the great amount of satisfaction I get from being a cat nurse everyday, the other summer activities I can choose from, as electives, combine to form a tantalizing array of enticing choices. Try not to be jealous.

Here are the usual options I have to choose from:

1.) Coffee enemas. My liver thanks me, even if my butt gets annoyed. I have to dart between open window and safe-wall since once I take my pants off they remain off for some time. Any moment a dog-walking neighbor is going to be looking towards my house right when I pass in front of a window in just a tank top, looking freaked out and hunched over. This is never enough to get me to put pants on though. Why do I do this? I like to be naked and scared in my own house?

2.) Concoctions. These are a varied array of liquids ranging from palatable to fucking disgusting. I have Poly-MVA and CoQ10 - not bad. Or, blended drinks with anywhere from 4-10 ingredients. This will always be green in color from the fat heaping tablespoon of Spirulina. If I don't have a lemon to cut the fishy taste of the Sp. I am just out of luck, it's going in my mouth anyway. I like to punish myself a lot. There is a giant cupboard and half of a counter covered with bottles of pills and liquids all for me, for the thing that I have. I used to make my own supplements, I still do sometimes. I hate gagging them down these days, so most of them just sit there. They send me packing my bags every time I go in the kitchen with a hanging head. There are daily Chinese herbs I have to boil with ginger and drink, disgusting. My kitchen is armed with 2 juicers, 2 blenders, a Chinese herb crock pot and lots of knives. It isn't a kitchen so much as it is a laboratory. I have cat concoctions too, no one escapes my holistic grip. I squeeze everyone who enters.

3.) Swimming. I am trying to swim my way back to health. It used to be my saving grace, it used to be my heart mender, my spirit lifter, my everything. I was an avid competitive swimmer as a kid. I am at home in the water. Even a bathtub can be my best friend, Recently, I am able to swim again after having had a shoulder injury that lasted 6 months, at least. I thought I was going to die not being able to swim. My arms had turned into noodles, my legs into blobs, my stomach into a pouch. I hid it all with clothing, tight clothing holds all that shit in.

4.) Walks. 3-5 mile walk. I pet every dog I see, smell all of the roses within my reach and scan the mortuary lawn for new dog poop. I gather writing material, rate hair, clothing and gait of certain stand-out's but they never know. I search for my favorite homeless lady, I want to offer her some help, she needs a pull cart. I feel bored today only because I am depressed, but if I weren't, I would have to try hard to be bored. How can one be bored when there is so much material out in the world? Life is amusing. A new book being written in my head everyday.

5.) I go out to eat. Usually I am alone. I don't have any friends in the town I live in. Because I've lived here for only one year and I don't work here I don't meet people that I can make real friendship bonds with. I'm very social too, I make superficial friends everywhere I go, but maybe people just see me as that woman who comes in to eat by herself. If I pulled the cancer card, they would really feel sorry for me then, but most people I encounter don't know. People expect everyone with cancer to look like a chemo patient. People are so misinformed.

There it is. Most of it. There's also: watering the lawn, playing with the other 2 cats, and washing my face. That pretty much sums up my life. Sometimes I tap dance, screw around with my guitar, and if I'm feeling intensely motivated to break out I might make a phone call. When my phone rings I usually run around crazily looking for it only to throw it like a hot potato onto the couch.

I spend a good amount of time writing things down, either in messages, or texts. I write emails, but usually I just like to talk a load of shit on facebook, see who bites. I read a lot too, sometimes the same thing over and over. Recently I started to read a book on nutrition that I accidentally stole from my previous cancer center's library. It's a little embarrassing when someone notices the library card inside of the book is date stamped 2005. They took my boob, I took their book. I would say we still need to even up.