The T is silent

Im sitting here reading a little about skull metastasis. I have cancer in my skull. I can feel it right now, pulsing, it's painful. 

"It is difficult to say anything sensible when discussing prognosis, as clearly the degree of systemic disease, and the primary tumour and its response to therapy is going to have a huge impact. In general it is safe to say however that in most instances, skeletal metastases represent advanced disease with poor prognosis, typically measured in weeks and months." -- some bullshit website that is messing with my mind. Wait, excuse me, weeks and months? It's already been a year since this was found, so go fuck yourself  "weeks and months." Okay?

This is why I don't read about stats, I'm the outlier anyway, the atypical BC patient blah blah blah. I've already outlived the competition by a couple of years. Jk, it's not a contest, we are holding hands and skipping together through the tunnel of horror.

 My bp won't come down, I can't sleep, it's hot in here. I have acid reflux again. It seems that anytime I eat anything lately, I get this burning feeling in my throat. I can eat some cereal, that's mellow, right? Wrong. I get acid reflux. I feel like this could turn me off of food again. No, please, I can't do the 98 pound thing again, I just got my butt back.

This time last year I was getting ready to die, or so I thought. I was scared out of my mind. It's happening again. The high bp, the head pain, the dizziness, weakness-- but can that be, I've been swimming a lot lately, I'm not that weak, except lately in the pool I've been out of breath too. Like there is something pushing on my chest. Grabbing me by the throat.

Every day is the same as the day before. I can almost taste the pressure in my chest. There's a sense of something heavy that has a flavor, it's so weird. It makes no sense. It's there right now. If you've ever had anxiety attacks, or hypertension, I think this is a similar feeling. I was feeling scared last week but aware enough to not attach anything to it, I just observed it happening. I watched it happen, experienced it, and when it didn't go away I went to the ER... and they told me nothing. No surprise there. 

I never write much down anymore and because of that I can't remember my life very well. I want to know what my life was like when I was feeling better than I do now. Or, I can be grateful later for having dug myself out of it one more time, because I'll get past what is going on now. I will. 

I'm just afraid of them telling me I need radiation. I don't want brain radiation and there is no way to avoid that if your skull is getting blasted. I am not an experiment. I need something better, stronger, safer. I ordered more CBD oil, that is tumor suppressant. I am going back on the cannabis oil. It wasn't a horrible experience, I was pretty happy. I was high everyday until I got used to it. I know the CBD's are anti-inflammatories so they should help with the pain. Yay! I just yawned, it's 1 a.m. maybe tonight I can sleep before 3, Oh -----iwishiwishiwishiwishiwish. 

I've got to stop saying "I wish" This is about accepting whatever is and not thrashing against life. That is what makes one unhappy. Is there a law against not sleeping? Am I a bad dog if I don't sleep early and get up early? Some people try to make you think so, but it's not the case. I have wicked insomnia on top of already being a night owl.            
            Hoo hoo. 
            There is no T.