Cancer cancer blah blah blah

None of it makes any sense, shouldn't I be talking to a live human about my pains and fears and shit? When in the company of friends I avoid talking about cancer, or I brush it off and switch the focus back to them. People like to talk about themselves, so it's easy. I don't like to be the center of attention. The Observer is much more interesting of a viewpoint. The inner scientist in me begs invisibility. To sit in an audience is my speed more than being on stage.

I don't know how to talk about cancer except in long rambling Voxers to V, repeated monologues with some new detail added in about my current pain, or lack of something. When it comes to the blog it's all I seem to write about. I want to get stuff off my chest in a way that allows people to choose whether or not they want to learn about my personal battles on the regular. The reason I post a plain link and don't write an extra intro is to keep most people from clicking on it. I cringe every time I click on this to share it. Relying on the short attention spans of most people is how I deal with the feeling of exposure. My old blog was anon. It costs money to keep it open. It's been too long since I let it lapse- now it's gone.

There is enough breast cancer awareness. I think the best way I can shine a light on the future of breast cancer treatment is to empower people, this is your disease, not Pfizer's, not Merck's, not Bristol-Meyers. Doing what I can to make my disease a chronic situation is one way, to overcome it is the coup de grace, is the golden ring. I think where I drop the ball is not sharing how I've gone about it. My story is abundantly valuable, even though at the current moment I feel like a failure and my head hurts. I have had cancer now for over 20 years, that alone is amazing to me. How am I still alive?