Today is not a good day, the sun even agrees with me

Shit shit shit shit

I'm no longer a candidate for gamma or cyberknife, which before would have been a crazy person's happy place from my previous perspective, 'till recently when it sounded pretty good considering the position I'm in with dural mets. That is a whole lot better than WBR.

Lesions sitting on my brain. Cancer in the brain cap. Most likely cancer in the fluid of my brain and spine is changing the game.

If it hadn't broken through into the fluid I would have been able to get Gamma knife. Well, it looks like it has and now everything is riding on what Dr. Nezami can do, because if his magic doesn't work then it's the dreaded, dreaded.

Whole brain radiation. What are those words? And "targeted" chemo to the cerebrospinal fluid? Do I have that right? I can either have a spinal MRI or a spinal tap. If I chose a spinal tap, no fucking way would I, they would pull 40 cc's of fluid out to test it for cancer cells which would prove there is cancer in my brain. MRI it is.

I trust Dr. Nezami is a damn genius when it comes to treating patients for cancer, if anyone can do it, he can. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to revisit cannabis again for inflammation, and maybe just maybe it can be tumor suppressant.

This is the life of a stage IV cancer patient. I get bad news on a regular basis. Sometimes I get ok news, like stability, it can be seen as great, but stable to me is this- cancer is taking a nap, fueling up for a full-blown samurai sword meltdown tantrum everything must die.

Something has gone terribly wrong in the past year or so, what was it?
Was it because I moved to SB, is there cancer in the air here?
Did the Roundup my landlord lied about using all around the house rear it's head after I churned up the dirt?
Was it the mercury poisoning from having the extractions 6 months before finding out I had advanced into Liver Cancerland?
What happened to me, and when? I'm not overloading on heavy metal toxicity, but I still think there is a link since I breathed in mercury vapor during the breech.

I was doing so well, until I moved. Is that just a coincidence? I wasn't great, there were ups and downs but they were spread out, unlike this entire last year where I crashed so hard and couldn't get up, it seemed like it was coming to an end. I would pop back up then get slammed down hard, again, recovering, Oh so slowly, and never fully. As it is now, I have trouble breathing, my liver is enlarged and I have cancer riding on my brain. All of this makes the bone cancer seem invisible where it used to be what I thought about most.

I am usually alone when I receive the next bag of shit news, and it's no different now. I have no one to talk to about this. I'm at odds with my mom over her inability to keep personal things personal, plus she can't handle any bad news and stay composed for me. I don't have the desire to console anyone, sorry, it's not fair.  I have one sister I talk to but she has been out of contact for the last couple of days, I don't want to bug her with my crap news, she's busy and happy to be home. None of my friends understand cancer and what it's like to be barraged constantly, they are nice listening boards but that's not what's needed, they don't feel what I feel, it's just impossible. That's why I come here. Writing is a safe place, even though every Tom, Dick and Harry can happen upon this, read it. The anonymity, or illusion of it is a cloak.


The brain surgeon can't do anything for me. It's going to be all up to Dr. Nezami with his big smile, Persian food and those smelly onion bags.

I want to go out into the middle of the street and scream, at the top of my compromised lungs.